Relationships in Korea

So I've alluded quite a bit to the odd state of affairs in Korea when it comes to romantic relationships.  Since today is a weird Monday where every class is getting canceled at the last minute and I'll only end up teaching once during last period, I figure now would be a good time to write some thoughts down.

Korea is definitely a country in transition, from traditional to modern.  At least 75% of my students, when surveyed recently about their family histories, said their parents were introduced through a matchmaker.  Today's youth, however, are increasingly meeting their significant others at university or through a job and the changes in relationship dynamics seem to cause a lot of friction between the older and younger generations.  A lot of the older relationships are more akin to business transactions than marrying for love.  The man and woman were put together because of their family or educational backgrounds; men are permitted endless numbers of affairs and the woman doesn't care so long as she has a nice apartment and gets to raise a family and spend the husband's money.  (Meanwhile, it is illegal for a married woman to commit adultery, which... don't even get me started.) 




These days though, younger people are wanting to marry someone they actually love.  Many parents still want to have a hefty modicum of control over who their children get married to but the kids obviously want to find their own paths and their own partners.  So a lot of relationships are hidden from both sets of parents.  Young people patronize the local "love motel" (think hourly rates) or DVD bang in order to get it on without their parents' knowledge.  Hongdae, the nightlife area next to Hongik University, is the only area where I consistently see boys and girls walking hand in hand.  Under normal circumstances, men and women don't express public displays of affection; you are way more likely to see two men or two women holding hands than a man and a woman, since the boundaries of same-gender friendship are very different from most other countries.

This is particularly interesting, because it flags up one of the stranger aspects of Korean society (at least to me).  Reminiscent of the statements of Ahmadinejad in Iran last year, most Koreans will tell you that gay people don't exist in Korea.  They see homosexuality as something that only happens to foreigners.  It's like a national state of denial.  Obviously, there are gay people everywhere in the world, and I can absolutely confirm that there are plenty right here in Korea, but the average citizen remains (perhaps willfully) oblivious.  Ironically, though, Korean men are in general so much more ambiguous and effeminate than men in many other cultures that it really is impossible to tell one way or the other 99% of the time.  That's part of the reason I think the majority of gay people in Korea still get married and have kids and live the prescribed hetero lifestyle while carrying on their affairs in secret, because it is just so easy to do so.  There is no gaydar here, no specific traits that stand out about a person that make others clue into the fact that they're gay.  In fact, being gay is the last thing a Korean would be accused or suspected of, because no one even considers the possibility as an option.  The result is that a gay couple could probably get away with walking down the street together hand in hand with less shame or judgment than a straight unmarried couple because most Koreans would just assume they are brothers or close friends.

The comfort level with same-gender physical contact can be really disconcerting at times.  The first time I ever taught my 2-4 class, I was thrown by the fact that one male student spent the entire class in his friend's lap.  Girls walk down the hall holding hands; boys rub each other's backs in class; the freaking vice principal was even rubbing my leg at my first hwe-shik last week (when all the school staff go out together for dinner and drinks).  There is absolutely no sexual meaning behind any of it, it's just the culture.  But it is an aspect of the culture that definitely freaks out foreigners, and strikes many as odd since male/female touching is so much more taboo. 

All of this gets amplified to the nth degree when a Korean tries to date a foreigner.  My friend Anne dated a Korean guy last year (I've heard similar stories from other couples as well) and he refused to acknowledge their relationship even to his closest friends.  She was even more of a secret than usual, strictly because she is not Korean.  Many Koreans take serious issue with other Koreans dating outside the race/culture.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, he was also frequently insulting to her and it wasn't until after she broke up with him that he finally said "I love you" or offered any true compliments in an effort to win her back.  Many people have told me that dating a local here can be a taxing experience; others, though, end up in great relationships so obviously not everyone subscribes to these cultural mores.

Funnily enough, after all that initial secrecy and dancing around the truth, once a relationship is out in the open, many Koreans want the world to know that they are together.  There is a phenomenon here known as couple-T, in which a man and woman dress in matching shirts or even entire matching outfits (I'm talking down to the shoes here).  When I was at the Seoul Zoo, I saw no fewer than 10 couples throughout the day wearing couple-T.  It is so popular that there is an entire niche market built around it, with couple-T specialty stores that sell only his/hers/theirs outfits ("theirs" because some couples decide to extend couple-T to the entire family... I have literally seen parents and 4 children all dressed exactly the same).  It is one of the most hilarious things you've ever seen in your life.  One of these days, I'm determined to get a photo of it but it's difficult to do without anyone noticing  :)

A "model" example

Obviously relationships are different everywhere in the world, but of all the countries I've visited, Korea really knows best how to drive that point home.