I've only written one blog entry in all of 2012. (One half of one entry, really.) The year is now nearly over. It's been a busy year in which I've achieved and experienced so much, but somehow, I've only made that one entry. I earned a master's degree. I completed a dissertation and a massive development project. I maintained a great social life with amazing friends. I traveled with my parents. I spent time in the UK, US, Uganda, Italy, Spain, the Netherlands, and Finland. I found love again. I applied for jobs and internships and the Peace Corps. I planned for and fretted about the future. I got older. And yet. One entry.
I'm growing increasingly aware of the fact that my life is changing, and that my attitude toward life is changing. I looked at this blog today for the first time in months and realized just how inappropriate the title felt to me now. Eternal Nomad? No. Not eternal. This year has marked the first time where my 'gypsy lifestyle' has left me feeling worn down. Exhausted. Tired of restarting my life every year or so. I don't necessarily feel that it's fully out of my system. I might travel for a few more years yet. But I find myself gradually drawn more and more to the allure of security and stability. I don't want to be a nomad forever. I want to be able to put down roots and build a career and have a family someday. I've grown up a lot and I understand now that I can want these things, that I in fact deserve these things. It's a nice feeling. My main concern, however, has developed into putting down roots where I want to put them down and overcoming the barriers that arise to prevent me from doing so.
I've never felt more uncertain about the direction of my life and my path toward the future as I do in this moment. I thought finishing my master's degree and graduating would be one more fixed point in time and space, a stepping stone to the next event of my life. Instead, I find myself standing on rapidly and constantly shifting sands (hence the new blog title). Every couple of weeks seems to offer another blow dashing the hopes I have for what comes next. Every new day, every new conversation, serves to present some new option or possibility for what the future might hold for me. Life has never felt so unstable and while I'd love to say that it's a thrilling feeling, in reality it just leaves me unsettled. In what is hopefully another sign of personal growth though, I don't find myself overly stressed or anxious about it. Instead, I have this odd sense of resignation that this is just the way life is going to be for a while and I have to keep every possibility in play for as long as possible until the best solution presents itself. I have no doubt it will, I just wish that the universe would come to a decision according to my own preferred timeline and not leave me floundering in the dark so much. But wishes aren't horses, and beggars can't ride. Life isn't meant to be easy.
As of this afternoon, I am evaluating and running with all of my options at once. A few months in Mexico. A year in Australia. A couple of years with the Peace Corps. A few years in Manchester doing a PhD. Or some combination of the above. I'm not quite ready yet to return to the US, full-time and forever. I still have some opportunities to burn through before that time comes, and I've never been one to pass up an interesting opportunity or two. But the sands are shifting and I'll admit, it's very confusing. My hope is that I can return to this blog more frequently to write about and reflect upon the path I end up choosing, whichever one that might be.
I suppose I'll have to make a little bit more of an effort. :)
