So one of the most interesting character traits that seems to run through most of the Korean population is the tendency or willingness, nay, vigor with which Koreans like to flag up the flaws of others. It is pretty startling the first time you have someone casually tell you to your face that you have bad skin or a fat head. And wow, does it happen a lot. It's probably one of the things I hear foreigners comment on the most when discussing the things they like the least about living in Korea. It's difficult for us to deal with because it just seems so rude. What's hard for us to accept is that it simply isn't. On the contrary to it being rude, it's actually seen as a sign of forthrightness and honesty.
I commented a couple entries back on the day I was unfortunate enough to boast a single prominent pimple on my cheek. More than once that day, I was reminded of the fact that my skin had the audacity to be imperfect. Really though, I was just counting my lucky stars that I'm not overweight or particularly unattractive. Because I would be told regularly that I am fat and/or ugly. Count on it. A new friend, Adam, has a bit of a paunch and told me that his students tell him that he's fat every single day. My other friend Jen, who is gorgeous and would never in a million years be considered overweight back home, had to sit her 5-year-old students down a couple weeks ago and tell them "You cannot tell Jennifer-teacher she is fat anymore." LOL, I guess it starts young.
What is even more disconcerting than being insulted by a friend or acquaintance, however (and always with a smile!), is the propensity of people in relationships to totally slam their partner, and on a regular basis. In my short time in Korea, I have already had multiple adults tell me things about their spouses that I can't imagine someone saying to a stranger back home. One woman's husband is "cold and cruel," while another man's wife is "moody and never happy." I had the hardest time wrapping my head around this phenomenon until my friend Anne, who dated a Korean guy for several months last year and so has greater insight into relationships here than I do, explained that the put-downs are viewed as a sign that the person is honest and loves their partner despite any downsides. If a Korean man tells a woman how smart and beautiful she is, he is seen as a "player" and not truly interested in her. But if the man tells her she is stupid and has a fat head (this is really a popular insult here), he is showing he cares by trying to help her accept and come to terms with her inherent flaws!! The crazy part is that all of this ends up extending beyond initial courtship into the realm of actual relationships, which seems to me highly unhealthy. When a man is telling his actually stunning and intelligent girlfriend that she is ugly and worthless, it is really hard to swallow.
The thing about all of this, though, is that just because I feel it's unhealthy doesn't necessarily make it so, especially when it is a culturally ingrained trait. I forgot just how much cultural relativism comes into play when you are living in a really foreign culture. You want to judge certain things because they seem so wrong, and your impulse is often affirmed by other foreigners who share the same or similar opinions, but you have to constantly remind yourself that it's not your place to judge an entire society when that's just. The way. It is. We choose to live here and so, as one of our orientation leaders reminded us, we have to adapt to Korea, we can't expect Korea to adapt to us. And this really does apply to anywhere we choose to live in the world. But that doesn't mean it's always easy.
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